At first I only thought Hawke was avoiding me. Now, I am certain of it. The last few days have been hard on all of us, but the last few nights… Maker. I can barely get her alone. She always finds some excuse to run off. The first night, she decided to talk to Bartrand. Why? That’s anyone’s guess. The next night, she wandered off with no explanation, only to appear as we were winding down for bed, creeping into the tent and making her way to her bedroll without a word to any of us. Now, she’s finding every excuse she can to wander off again. Maybe she is just tired of Fenris and I fighting. I know I am sick of it myself. Maybe she is mad at me, but no, that can’t be it. If she were mad at me she would tell me.
Varric begins shuffling through his pack, “Hey, Varric, can I ask you something?”
“What’s up, Blondie,” he turns to me and I try to decide how to word my question.
“Is there something up with Hawke? Does she seem a little standoffish lately, or is it just me,” my eyes beg him to say it isn’t just me but I can’t help feeling it is.
“Blondie, as far as I could tell, you guys were getting along quite well,” he stops rummaging through his pack and sits down beside me, “ But what do I know about human women? Maybe you guys just started to move a little too quickly for her. You know she has been alone for the past two years. Saving her family from the Blight, joining up with the Red Iron, trying to get this expedition underway, it hasn’t allowed her much time to really pursue any kind of relationship,” at my confused look he continues, “Don’t get me wrong. She takes her pleasures where she can, but never lets anyone too close.” He places a consoling hand on my shoulder.
I take in his words, but something about what he says doesn’t make sense, “What do you mean by moving too quickly? Is it because I saw her nearly naked? Fenris saw more of her than I did.”
“Ha! If you haven’t noticed, our girl is not the modest, blushing maiden. I don’t know, Blondie. Maybe the healing thing got under her skin, or maybe it was that night. Not that I think you would be a bad lover, I’m just saying maybe it was too fast for her.” He stands and returns to pulling supplies out of his pack.
“A bad lover? Do you think we slept together,” I now know I have missed something big and Varric is skirting around telling me exactly what it is. My frustration evident in my voice.
He holds his hands up in placation, “Hey, I don’t know for certain that’s what happened. All I know is the next morning, you two were cozy as kittens, all tangled up in each other. Truly, it was hard to tell who was who under the blankets. I just assumed she may have shown just how much she appreciated what you did for her.”
“Tangled together? What do you mean,” I stand and begin pacing, trying to absorb what Varric is telling me.
“Oh, it was adorable really. Her face all snuggled into your shoulder, arms wrapped around one another, legs intertwined. Honestly, it looked as though you two had quite the night,” my pacing continues and Varric gathers up his writing materials and heads into the tent. I let him be. He has told me the one thing I needed to know. What I don’t understand is why Hawke wouldn’t just talk to me about it. I would expect her to poke fun at the situation rather than storming off and ignoring me. This is so unlike her.
I need to calm myself before she returns. Opening the tent flap I reach in and grab my bedroll. Rolling it back up, I fashion a makeshift pillow so I can lay out by the fire. I catch a glimpse of Hawke making her way back to camp, but she stops to speak with the Mercs she’s made friends with over the past few days. Whatever she says has the men laughing. One bows to her and she gives him a playful smack on the head. This is the one who made jokes and innuendos towards her the day before. Of course, she never seemed to mind, tossing her own playful jokes right back. It is frustrating to watch, so I close my eyes and lay my head back. I need to clear my head before she returns. I can’t be this wound up. She will sense it and not want to talk to me.
As her footfall nears the camp, I wrack my brain for the right way to broach the subject but I am coming up with nothing. Our usual playful banter seems inappropriate but if I try to have a serious conversation with her, I’m afraid she’ll just shut me down.
Her jovial tone when she announces that she will not smell like death tonight does nothing to help me figure this situation out and I, along with Fenris and Varric ignore her. Realizing her attempt to lighten the mood fell on deaf ears, she sighs and leaves the camp again. This time she heads off to the unexplored parts of the cavern. Sensing no darkspawn in that direction, I am content to let her wander while I muddle through my thoughts. I don’t doubt, armed as she is, that she can take down anything else that may come her way.
I ponder the events of that morning. Were we really wrapped up in each other’s arms? That would explain why I slept so well. Why don’t I remember it? I try to remember what happened that night. I remember the massage and my head in her lap. I remember her gentle kiss on my forehead. I remember her restless fidgeting beside me as I fell asleep but in none of this do I remember curling my body around hers. Going back to that morning I try to recall if she gave any indication that she knew we had fallen asleep wrapped around one another. She had shaken me out of one of the best nights of sleep I had had in awhile. I remember finding it odd that, as we were getting dressed, she refused to look at me. At the time I was grateful, as I was in a state of full arousal. Then I recall her nervous laughter and Fenris’s undue anger as Varric inquired as to how we had both slept. Still, it seems so unlike her to not just laugh it off or make a joke about it.
Footsteps again approach the camp, and thinking them to be Hawke, I sit up and turn to look for her but realize they are coming from the wrong direction. Turning my head, I see the Merc Hawke has been flirting with headed in the same direction she left in only a few moments ago.
Telling myself I am following him to protect her, I grab my staff. I try to stay out of sight, ducking behind outcroppings and statues, when I feel necessary. Soon I hear the sound of bubbling water and someone splashing around in it. She must have found a spring.
Coming around to the other side of the statue I have been using for cover, I see the bubbling spring tucked away in a small grotto. I quietly inch closer, ensuring I have a good view and that I can hear anything that may be said. If he tries anything while she is vulnerable, I will be here to stop him.
Just as I get into a good position her head crests the surface of the water. The red war paint has washed away and she is a sight to behold. Her black hair is slicked back revealing her striking blue eyes. Her bare neck, begging to be caressed. Her pouty lips open in a slight “o” at being found in such a vulnerable state. Her milky white skin glistens in the lantern light but the rest of her body remains hidden beneath the steam that floats along the top of the water.
“Hello, Hawke,” the sheer lust in his voice sets my nerves on edge.
She doesn’t respond but for a slow smirk.
“Mind if I join you,” again, she doesn’t respond but languidly swims back to the other side of the pool. She sits on what must be a natural ledge because her arms come down to her sides as she anchors herself in place.
The Merc undresses, at first his movements are quick and eager but when he realizes Hawke is watching him, his movements slow. It’s as if he is now putting on a show for her. He grips his belt and slowly slides it through the loops. He grins when she bites her lip and her eyes go to his crotch.
I know I should leave but I can’t seem to make myself move. It is clear that she wants this man. I have no business stopping them, as much as I wish to. My confliction keeps me rooted.
Clothes removed he slips into the water. Slowly he makes his way to her, a hunter stalking his prey. Little does he know, she is the hunter.
“You sure your companions won’t mind,” I look to her, hoping this is what she needs to turn him away. She pauses, head lowered.
“I have no ties to the men with me other than friendship,” and it stabs through my chest. I know I have turned her away every time she’s come to me but it doesn’t change the burning desire I feel at the very sight of her. I want her but I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt her. This war that is coming. I will be in the center of it and I just cannot put her there with me.
“A beautiful woman, surrounded by men,” he inches ever closer. If he were to reach out he could touch her, “and you have no ties to them other than friendship.” She gazes back up at him again and when their eyes meet, I can plainly see the desire burning beneath the surface. “That seems a little hard to believe,” at her raised eyebrow, he continues, “A warrior without equal, amongst men who wouldn’t dare admit that to anyone else. A mage who can destroy most men with a gesture and a dwarf who could charm the pants off anyone he desired to. You keep interesting company, Hawke,” Well at least he knows where he stands should this go south.
“Ha, I’m sure they would all love to hear your assessment of their abilities. They don’t receive much in the form of so much flattery.” she turns away, yet again and I can see the conflict in her eyes but it is short lived.
“To answer your question, I am sure they would have objections. However, one is married to his weapon, one cannot bear the touch of another and…” she pauses, and for a moment I am hopeful, “Well, let’s just say the other has told me more than once that he has no interest in being with me.”
Maker, is that what she thinks?
“Ahh, so he likes men,” Well, that is presumptuous of him.
Hawke lets out a throaty chuckle, “Well, I won’t say he doesn’t like men. Of that I am not sure myself but that’s not what I meant. It’s just… It’s complicated,” I find myself leaning forward wanting her to say more and my hand slips. Her head turns towards me and I know I am about to be found out. I catch my balance and ensure I am out of sight.
“Then let me be simple. I want you, Hawke,” I lean forward again just far enough to see and he leans in face inches from hers, waiting for her to make the first move. She closes the distance and presses her lips to his. His kiss is hungry, devouring. His hands dip below the water and he pulls himself into her. She moans and my throat goes tight. I’m finding it difficult to even swallow. Slowly he rocks himself into her. Her head lolls back in pleasure and her eyes close. She wraps her arms around his neck but it causes them to slip. He pushes back from her, trying to regain his hold before they both go under. “Stand up.” at his throaty demand she wastes no time in complying.
My eyes are riveted to her naked body. Her high round breasts, nipples hard and ready for someone’s touch, her slim waist and rounded hips all on display and I feel a growing response in my own body. He guides her into a sitting position and buries his face between her legs. Sweet Maker. I close my eyes and try to calm my body but I can hear her moans of pleasure from only a few feet away.
Looking back to the scene unfolding before me, I see that he has slipped his fingers inside of her, sliding them in and out with slow sure strokes. I can’t take it anymore. Reaching into my pants, I grip my cock. Over and over, I tell myself this is wrong but I can’t take my eyes off of her and my body is demanding I do something about it. They exit the pool and he shoves her against the wall. Oh, how I wish it were my body pressed against hers and not some random Merc but I’m the one who pushed her away. He shoves his cock inside her and I imagine the look of ecstasy is my doing. I am on the brink of orgasm when Hawke let’s out a scream so familiar I freeze.
It was her.